Δευτέρα, 30 Ιουλίου 2012

What I Think About Stuff-Godzilla VS Cthulhu



Godzilla VS Cthulhu Or Invincible Nuclear Dinosaur VS Sleeping Dead God

Making the Superman VS Son Goku article was a huge mistake. Its existence and its speculative possibilities (as well as the hours of dick-waving among me and my friends) have burned a hole inside my brain the size of a walnut, that keeps asking me ‘Hey man, know what else would be awesome?

Writing another long-ass article about two unrelated super powerful beings punching the fuck out of each other!”



“And then you can watch Jason X sober, man! Get, like, the full experience, know what I mean?”

That’s not to say I’m ungrateful for it. I’ve had a wonderful time checking the interwebs and looking into possible monster and character crossovers and I’ve had a lot of fun just planning their battle out.

A lot of them don’t make sense, unless certain sets of rules have been set up. The rules are as follows:

RULE ONE: Every character must be at the peak of their performance/power level/whatever.

RULE TWO: No contestant must be aware of the other’s weaknesses/handicaps

RULE THREE: The setup must allow for a full-on, no-holds barred battle, without any restraint exhibited by either of the contestants

RULE FOUR: Each battle is three rounds long. Two regular punch-out ones and one elimination round.

RULE FOUR-B: In the case of an elimination round, a hazardous third party/danger/opponent must make an appearance, so as to force an outcome.

RULE FIVE: There must always be an outcome, no matter the subsequent butthurt.

With that in mind, I looked for the very next pairing and would you look at that: Google


Wise, almighty Google

Provided me with an answer. A pairing of creatures that were both known for their might, their indestructibility and their very nature as symbols of mass destruction. The fact that they are each the East and West’s greatest avatars of destruction makes the pairing all the sweeter.

In the Red Corner, hailing from the Pacific Ocean, a product of man’s nuclear folly, GODZILLA, KING OF THE MONSTERS!


Cue Kanye West’s “Power” remix (the one that had the best part in it, without all the unnecessary crap) starts booming through the speakers

Aaaand in the Blue Corner, brainchild of Providence’s most prominent son, the prophet of the nameless forces that dictate the universe, until recently presumed dead, CTHULHU, THE DREAMING GOD!


DJ forgets to cue the music, as he is busy eating his own eyeballs at the sight of Cthulhu entering the stadium.

Godzilla’s many powers remain undefined to this day, so I’m just going to list the ones that will play a major role in this battle 

That is, all of them, except for his super domestic abuse powers.

·         Atomic Breath (if you need me to explain this, then it’s obvious you’ve only seen the American shitty version.)

·         Nuclear Pulse: What this is, is essentially a fancy way of saying that Godzilla can superheat/irradiate his body to shake off grappling assailants. Perfect for use againt tentacle adversaries

·         Injury resistance and healing: Fancier way of saying Godzilla’s body is thick as shit and that he heals real fast. Not Goku with a sensu bean fast, though. More like Wolverine when the writers need to drag another issue out.

·         Immense Strength: Dude needs to be strong if he’s planning to punch out the Dreaming God. And Godzilla’s about as strong as they come.

Cthulhu’s powers on the other hand…well, they’re the definition of Moore’s Incostant. In fact, they are so poorly defined, they stop being Moore’s inconstant and just turn into a paradoxical presentation of Cthulhu’s existence. Because, let’s face it: the guy may be ranking somewhere in the C-List as far Outer Gods go


You would too, if you were a god who worships a god that is essentially the absolute center of the Universe.

But he’s still pretty goddamn limited. Matter of fact, there is absolutely no clear reason why Cthulhu hasn’t destroyed us already, or why he chickened out that one time and just backed down after that fisherman took a propeller to his face.

What the fuck, dude! I thought you guys were gonna be cool! You know what? Fuck alla you assholes, I’m goin’ home!

What I’m trying to say is that Cthulhu’s powers can be summed up as:

·         He’s a fucking god: Ergo, he can do whatever the hell he wants

·         He’s invulnerable: Therefore, there’s nothing that can inflict any lasting harm on him.

·         Fuck You, Earth Monkeys: Just that. Fuck you.

So why should these two bastards be pitted together? Hell, how can they even be pitted together and on what grounds can we reach some agreement on the result of their battle? Well, that’s simple:

We can’t. The only sure way to declare a winner is by watching which of the behemoths backs down first.

So let’s get down to business and see which one of those huge motherfuckers gets to run home to mommy first.


*Gong* *heavy breathing* Jajajajajaja-jajajajaja-junjunjunjujujujunjun!  *Test your might* Junjunjunjujujujujun!

A marine observer weeps as he scoops handfuls of his assistant’s brain and eats through her skull. He has seen the Dead God, rising from his house on R’lyeh, exploding outward into the ocean, awakened by the alien glow of strange constellations in the night sky. 

All across the world, astronomers, scientists, artists and psychics scream and cry and squirm in their beds, praying to a God that can no longer save them. For Cthulhu has risen and he comes to claim what is his.

Godzilla stops mid-rampage across Tokyo, as he senses the Dreaming God, noticing his colossal body as it crosses the Pacific Ocean, heading straight for the island of Nippon. He sets down the top half of the skyscraper he was about to fling into Shinjuku and roars, thinking of this creature’s audacity to enter his turf without permission.

Like a column of flesh, tentacles writhing across his unseen mouth, Cthulhu rises from the ocean. The colossi look into each other’s eyes. The dead god thinks he has the rite of passage. The King of the Monsters does not intent to acknowledge his supposed sovereignity.

Cthulhu barely realizes it, as Godzilla lunges at him and sinks his teeth in his throat.

Git off mah property, asshole!

Cthulhu tries to fight back, but Godzilla’s fought too many battles in his lifetime to know he doesn’t have to put up with any kaijuu shit. This planet is his turf and any motherfucker who dares enter his domain needs to get slapped into submission.

Cthulhu on the other hand…well, history has shown us he’s not big on confrontation. He’s a pansy who’s used to being worshipped and can’t fight for shit.

Not to mention that his general lack of exercise hasn’t helped his figure any.

Godzilla rips off a good chunk of Cthulhu’s throat, spilling the god’s blood and then pins him down, clawing at his exposed chest and belly. Cthulhu chooses to change his form, seeking one that will allow him to slip away from his aggressor’s clinch.

Turning his flesh into liquid, he slips from Godzilla’s grip, only to find that the King of the Monsters has seen worse and chooses to charge him. Cthulhu, of course, puts them up and they both grapple, tumbling inside the city of Tokyo, tearing down buildings.

The dead god has barely had time to register the situation, as the giant reptile slashes at his face and roars his horrible roar. The god shoves him off,


Smashing that godawful tower in the process

And tries to turn the battle to his favor, pinning down Godzilla. He increases his mass tenfold and holds his enemy down, thinking that he finally has his chance to finish him off.

But then Godzilla releases his radiation field and Cthulhu finds his flesh melting at the mere touch of this creature.


Creating a cool explosion that claims millions of innocent lives in the process.

Cthulhu has found himself losing this first round. His enemy has made the most out of his element of surprise and he’s given the Dreaming God a run for his money. Cthulhu tries to change his form, to somehow adapt to his enemy, but Godzilla hasn’t shown off every trick in his book yet.

Round One goes to Godzilla.


Where Cthulhu takes it up a notch and Godzilla starts running out of tricks, fast.

Cthulhu rises from the ashes. He’s been beaten up but he can take this. After all, his time has come. 
This world will be his, as foretold in ancient prophecies. He has fought long and hard for millions of years for this rock and won’t be denied his prize by some overgrown lizard!

The King of Monsters weighs his opponent warily. The creature has proved to be a tough costumer, tougher than any of his other opponents. He steps closer, baring his teeth, when suddenly he finds himself constricted. His limbs bend in strange ways and he is held in place by some invisible force. His enemy merely waves his arms into strange patterns, shaping the space around Godzilla so as to restrict his movements.

Godzilla finds out soon enough that his is helpless, as he sees his enemy split himself into two, then four, then eight exact copies of himself, each circling Godzilla, moving in for what they think is a sure kill. But then again, they don’t know Japan’s favorite son, do they?

Godzilla pushes against the binds and pushes against Cthulhu’s spell, freeing himself. He proceeds to grab one of his avatars and uses it as a makeshift mallet to fight off the others. Cthulhu tries to compensate for his lapse in concentration, but the creature fights ferociously and won’t give him an inch.

The spell fails, but Cthulhu still has numbers on his side. They claw and rip at Godzilla, who whacks them with his tail and rips off tentacles and arms. They pin him down and he pushes them off. They surround him and he just takes it. He takes it and pays them back ten times worse.


He’s kinda like Rocky, only ridiculously tall and doesn’t suck as much.

Cthulhu realizes he’s going to need to get himself an advantage soon. Sending his mind across time and space, he looks for something he can use against this uppity reptile. He looks long, looks hard and finds…


The most fabulous motherfucker of them all.

Abandoning his avatars, Cthulhu grabs Godzilla and bends space and time, sending them both to Monster Island, where the corpse of his greatest foe, King Ghidora, lays. Cthulhu wills it to life with a thought and controls it as a means to overcome Godzilla.

But let’s face facts here: King Ghidora never once stood a chance against fucking Godzilla.

   His heart is in the right place, though.
But then again, Ghidora never was the end-all be-all, was he? No sir, Ghidora was just a diversion, while Cthulhu looks for something he can use to…ahah!
With Ghidora getting the shit stomped out of him, Cthulhu returns to the fray and transports Godzilla into a base in Antarctica, a place where something he can use to destroy Godzilla is located. But he needs to make sure, which means it’s time for us to blow our imaginary goddamn budget and use this as a chance to take them across the world!
  There’s Space Godzilla in New York…
   Desotoroyah in Bangok…
And Mecha Godzilla in a secret installation somewhere in Russia.
Godzilla finds himself nearing collapse. The world is in ruins, a trail of destruction left in the behemoth’s wake and the King Of Monsters finds himself winded and wounded. The Dreaming God has used the situation to his full advantage.
Round Two goes to Cthulhu.
  Elimination or bust.  
The Earth Monkeys look up from the ruins of their homes and cities and see that the end is nigh: beasts of the apocalypse duke it out across the world and will very soon destroy every single living being (if not the entire planet) during their rampage.
A solution is proposed in a secret bunker. The remaining world leaders agree to it without sparing a thought. Humanity’s greatest fictional weapon is trained on the creatures who are now smashing through the Urals through their battle.
  Because the Death Star was wasted on those filthy Imperial bastards.
Godzilla fans will recognize Dimension Tide as the bullshitingest weapon in existence (overshadowing even the Gunblade and Dr. Strangelove’s Soviet Doomsday Device). Why is that?
Well it’s mostly because Dimension tide is Able to fire a micro black hole using plasma energy; 
 
Seems legit.
This cannon, built by a 0.7 civilization according to the Kardashev scale, is able to generate perfectly contained wells of infinite gravity. And they’re going to use that to kill both Cthulhu and Godzilla.
So they aim for the Urals and let it rip, crashing Space and Time around them. Both combatants are suddenly crushed by the gravity and trapped inside a temporal relativistic effect. Once again, an environmental hazard is about to wipe them all out.
And why can’t Cthulhu shrug it off? Well, mostly because Outer Gods have proven themselves not to be beyond the terrifying effects of a black hole’s event horizon. Case in point: Azathoth’s Court.
  This is your brain on event horizons.
The Outer Gods get trapped inside Azathoth’s event horizon and find themselves unable to escape, pretty much like light does with a black hole. And Cthulhu isn’t an Outer God. He’s just a fancy little social worker in their service. He’s in as much trouble from this as Godzilla.
Godzilla can’t escape this shit. Sure he can try, but it won’t pay off. And this battle needs a resolution. Who’s going to back down first? Wanna know who?
Nobody. Cthulhu isn’t gonna pass up his chance to free himself and Godzilla won’t back down. He’s suicidal like that, see. So what’s gonna happen is this: Godzilla is going to breathe his atomic breath, every last iota of it, into Cthulhu’s face, pushing him inside the black hole, even as they both get crushed. 
 
 NOOO FUUUCKKK YOUOUOU!
But let’s not forget that Cthulhu can afford to get his body destroyed. He’s got plenty to go around. So what will he do?
Well, he’s going to bend time around him and slip away of course, as the poor bastard Godzilla gets sucked in. Then he’s going to destroy humanity and reign over this planet for long, dark millennia.
The final Round goes to Cthulhu.
Why? Well, because Cthulhu is a god with impossible powers, who can bend time and space at will.  Granted, the black hole came close to annihilating him, but when all is said and done, Godzilla never could have made much of a difference against him.
 He might be the mightiest kaijuu, but he’s not a god.
 
Though I am absolutely certain the next series reboot is going to prove me wrong.
Addendum: 
Wanna read about two impossible and ridiculous characters duke it off? Then mail me or post your suggestions in the comments section.   

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